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Guess who's working on the fiddle
tell me who works on the fiddle
I'll tell you who works on the fiddle
oooo ooo Idle gossip
guess who's just come off the pill
tell me who's come off the pill
oooo ooo Idle gossip.
They must be thick, it's everywhere you go
it makes me sick, I just don't wanna know
about who's in the latest news, oh no.
CHORUS:
everybody wants to know the rumours
everybody wants to know the scandle
Idle, idle,......... gossip.
Guess who can't pay their gas bill
tell me who can't pay the bill
I'll tell you who can't pay the bill
oooo ooo idle gossip
guess who I slept with last night
tell me where you slept last night
oooo ooo idle gossip
CHORUS
Just like we had ffffeared, the mates we had have all dissapeared
Nicky, Flip, Paul, Fat Bob and Ted, they all done a bunk & all
got wed
Out with the lads for a laugh and a beer, those days are no longer
'ere
With a lump in yer throat & a shiver down yer spine
They're the memories of 1979
CHORUS:
Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be
1979
Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be
back in '79
Flip a punk sssuddenly aged, he sold his leather jacket just to get
engaged
Bobby was a skinhead, but Bobby's hair grew, all for a bird who made
him bbblue
We never thought we'de see the day, Teddy with a Mrs in the family
way
Oh what went wrong? things were just fine,
So take me back to 1979
CHORUS...(guitar bit)
Freddie was a free bloke fffull o' life, now Freddie is a bag o' misery
with a wife
Everynight George hit the town, by 8'o clock now he's in his dressing
gown
They ain't the lads we knew before, you don't see them down the pub
no more
They're discontented mates o' mine who wanna be back in 1979.
The Gas supply has been cut off, the tele's on the blink
Billy stinks, he drinks & spews up in the kitchen sink
He's sick of his bleedin' life, & he's gonna smack the wife in
the jaw
Billy Mrs cleans and scrubs while Billy's down the boozer
But she's had a belly full now Billy's gonna lose her
She's in her dressing gown, Billy's breaking down the bedroom door
CHORUS:
POT... POT BELLY BILL
A Big fat dirty lout
A pig & a layabout
POT... POT BELLY BILL
A fowl gob that's never shut
A fat slob with a beer gut.
POT POT POT BELLY BILL
He's such a hog at tea time, he shovels down his grub
He burps & makes rude noises, then he nicks off down the pub
Between you & me, & Billy's Mrs will agree, he's a swine
CHORUS... (guitar bit)
It's closing time at the local, & he stumbles out the bar
The drunken lump forgets to switch the lights on in his car
But Billy is a darer, he did not see the Sierra round the bend.
1/2 an hour latter Billy's hospitalised,
"Tell the wife to bring some cans in with the grapes" He cries.
But she's seen the light, she said "Serve the fat slob right, I hope
he DIES"
CHORUS
Frederick Street was on the news tonight
outside Fosters club had been a fight
and everytime you go to dig the beat
you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help...
CHORUS:
Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there?
who's down there?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there?
who's down there?
in the fisticuffs in Frederick Street
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, you don't wanna be,
we don't wanna be there..
Fosters club was full up to the brim
everybody risking life and limb
and just to go and pose at the disco
but posing wasn't easy and the D.J.
he got queasy, blow by blow...
CHORUS
Everything's silent on Frederick Street
a lonely policeman walks the beat...
before long everybody'll know
that Fosters club is not the place to go
unless you want your head kicking in
you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help...
CHORUS
Oh I woke up with a back ache, back ache, back ache,
I though I would go to the first aid tin
Well I found something for me bach ache, back ache, back ache,
I rubbed in some cream and started to scream, oooh
CHORUS:
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, it's red hot on yer back
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, believe me it does knack
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, it's red hot on yer back,
Firey, Firey Jack.
Now I had a back ache on me back ache, back ache, back ache,
I jumped into a bath full of cold water,
The Firey Jack had made me back ache, back ache, back ache,
I'm worse than before, I can't take it anymore oooh
CHORUS
Stoker is a boy in blue
and he must be the worst
He's a copper!
Stoker someday he'll get you
but you won't be the first
he's a copper
he's a police constable
that makes us feel uncomfortable
he's a copper
no more football in the street
or neckin with your girlfriend
Stoker's on the beat again...
CHORUS:
He's a Bobby he's a joker
he's a Bobby we want dead
he's a Bobby, P.C. Stoker why
can't we have a decent copper
proper copper instead?
Stoker loves to see a fight
he really goes to town
he's a copper
Stoker's smiling with delight
he's took somebody down
he's a copper
he'll prove you guilty in the court
you'll wish that you had never fought
a copper
don't cry or shout or scream or yell
there's nothing you can do
when Stoker's in the cell with you
CHORUS
The United Team supporters
have invaded the pitch
that's P.C. Stoker's quaters so
he finds his talky switch
I need some help down here boys
there's punks and skinheads too
and we all hate P.C. Stoker &
we hate the boys in blue.
Stoker's rather fed up coz
there's no one else to nick
he's a copper
someone soon will kick his head in
just you wait n'see
it needs somebody tough
coz we've all had enough
yes it needs somebody tough
but I think it won't be me
CHORUS
Alfie, can see
Johnny and Freddie outside the Bronx
and he, will be
happy with this memory
CHORUS:
And it's all echoes, where Alfie goes
the Bronx is in his head
Alfie's home is through, the life he knew
has all gone down... with the Bronx
Alfie, sadly
misses the only true friends that he had
now he, can't see
himself ever being happy
CHORUS
Alfie's home in the Bronx
he belongs in the Bronx
Alfie, now he
Johnny and Freddie remember the Bronx
and the family
Alfie once had in the Bronx
Wouldn't it be nice to get on with my neighbours
But they make it very clear they've got no room for ravers
CHORUS:
Lazy sunday afternoon
I got no time to worry
I close my eyes & drift away
Here we all are sittin' in a rainbow
Cor blimy 'Allo Mrs. Jones, how's your Berts lumbago'
Diddly may...
I'll sing you a song with no words & no tune
Sing in your party while you suss out the moon
CHORUS...Quiet passage
Roody Doody do, Roody doody di day
Roody Doody dum a Reedy deedy do dee
There's no one to hear me, there's nothing to say
& no one can stop me from feeling this way
CHORUS...Lazy sunday afternoon...
Things do go wrong, it's not long since I've been blue,
But I know the remedy, I can see just what to do...
Don't be a coward, don't be yellow,
It always pays to be mellow,
Stay cool, stay free and then you will see,
It's best to stay mellow...
I was upset and in debt with no money,
But I did not stay sad, it's not that bad, so remember...
Oh if you are down in the town with no bus fare,
Start walking and smile, in a while you'll be back home...
Jimmy lives his life for charity
Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E.
Everybody depends on Jimmy
Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off
Jimmy reckons they've all enough
If they want Jim it's tough
CHORUS:
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville
Woooooo
Everybody thinks yer brill
Think yer brill
But Jim'll Fix It's to be done
Woooooo
Then that bleedin' Great North Run
The Great North Run
No it's never too much fun for James
Jimmy does get up at 4:30
But Jimmy does not get time for breaky
He's not complaining, Jimmy's training
Somebody's sponsoring Jim again
So Jimmy bites his tongue & counts to ten
"Oh stuff this" Jimmy snarles
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville...
For James there's no time off, Jimmy's in deep
For James there ain't no sleep
(guitar bit)
When you're...
Jimmy, Jimmy Saville oo oo Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville
Howza 'bout that then guys & gals
Out in the courtyard, cold & it's so hard
Now Betty's crying, she wants to die
Coz it's over, die, but she...
Knows that her grieving, it's not achieving
What Bet's believing, he will return
CHORUS:
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Away oo oo oo gone away oo oo ooo
Down in The Rovers, Bet can't get over
What he said to her, he will return
Alecs gone...
He's gone, done a bunk (guitar bit)
Betty's still dreaming, inside she's screaming
Out for the day that he will return
Alecs gone...
I'm always felling lonely
I'm always feeling blue
she was the one and only
she said sheloved me too
but now she's gone and left me
just like they always do
now I'm always full of misery
I don't know what to do
I'm always on a downer
I should be feeling fine
I'm never on a upper
I need a swig o' wine
Now he's always dizzy coz
he's busy with fizzy Lambrusco
I'm getting fat and lazy
I always look a mess
I need a little drinky poos
to bring me happiness
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff
a Lambrusco kids a kid with sesne
he's always at the Off Liscence with me...
CHORUS:
Now we've found the answer
to stop you geelin low
a bottle of fizzy wine
they call it Lambrusco
I'm always feeling lousy
but I know that when
I've had a glass o'Lamby
I'll be smiling again
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff...CHORUS
That's what they call me, Lambrusco Kid
That's what they call me, I'm the Lambrusco Kid
I'm such a misery guts
I'm dirty and I stink
I've always got a pet lip
I need another drink.
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff...CHORUS
Ridin' along in my automobile
my baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
my curiosity runnin' wild
Crusin' n' playin' the radio o o
with no particular place to go.
Ridin' along in a Mini Metro
She said to me she loves me so, loves me so, loves me so
She smiled at me and looked so sweet
I thought I was in for a treat, in for a treat, in for a treat
My happy face began to glow ow ow
With no particular, no particular, no particular place to go
SOLO
CHORUS:
There's no particular place to go, there's no particular place to go
There's no particular, no particular, no particular place to go
CHORUS
To go there's no particular place to go, there's no particular place
Particular place, Particular place, Particular, ticular place
CHORUS
CHORUS
Temperature's risin' really quick, really quick, really quick
then she says she gets car sick, car sick oh no!
She said her love for me was true, truely true, truely true
She jumped in the back and began to spew,
ridin' along & feeling low ow ow ow ow ow ow
with no particular place to go.
CHORUS
There was Davey, there was Davey,
There was Davey, Happy Davey
His girlfriend's gone, his girlfriend's gone away, ay ay ay ay...
All he wants is a room with the stars looking down across Davey,
The sun and the moon and the sky high are just fine for poor Davey,
There's nothing left, there's nothing left,
There's nothing left to see for poor Davey...
He wants to be, he wants to be,
He wants to be alone...
Why did she love him so? Why did she have to go?
Poor Davey doesn't know, now Davey's all alone...
She did upset, she did upset,
She did upset Davey, Davey, Davey,
He won't forget, he won't forget, not Davey...
If you hoo hoo want a lesson or two,
take a hint you'll pay a mint at...
Modern School, Modern School,
they always say you are doing okay,
it's not true...
CHORUS:
Come on everybody sing Modern School of Motoring,
the best place to go if you want to crash,
you will never pass your test,
they say you will but it's a jest,
Modern School just wants your cash.
Out on the road, don't use the highway code,
not with us it's too much fuss at...
Modern School, Modern School,
Jump in and drive you're lucky to be alive,
when it's through...
CHORUS
When the test day, comes around they will say,
just stay cool, that's the rule of,
Modern School, Modern School,
then when you fail, they will say next time you'll sail,
right through...
CHORUS
Terry is a recluse, he's a misfit
Terry never goes out, he's a hermit
A lonely lonely dude
Terry won't answer the phone or the door
& we don't see Terry no more
No-one can contact Terry anymore
A life of solitude
CHORUS:
Hello.... this is Terry talking
Terry talking, talking all alone
Hello... this is Terry Talking
on the answer phone... Terry's not at home
Terry is a plonker, Terry is a nut
Locked in the house with the curtains shut
No-one can contact Terry...
Hello... (guitar bit)
Hello...
Well it's one for the money, two for the show,
Three to get ready now go cat go,
But don't you step on my blue suede shoes,
You can do anything but keep off my blue suede shoes.
(ring, ring) Hello, It's Olga. Can I speak to Kendra please?
Just hold on a minute pet. Kendra? Olga's on the phone.
Do you want to speak to him?
Ahhh...I cannot!
I first saw Kendra at a pub called the Ramside Hall, in Durham
so sweet and tender but she didn't even see me at all, no
She looked so nice, she smelled so fine, oh how I wished that Kendra was mine
five foot one, and eyes that were blue, a smile that made me melt oh what could i do?
I had to get Kendra's telephone number really quick, yes.
If I came srtaight to the point it would do the trick, yes.
I asked her if she'd like to go out with me,
She said that she was flattered but I just couldn't see why she said...
CHORUS
Ahhh, Olga... I cannot
My boyfriend's sitting on the seaty
he does not want, you to see me, so
Olga... I cannot.
I was really de-pressed what could I do, I was blue
I'll ring her up again, in a day or two... On Monday
Her boyfriend wasn't there, so I felt lucky
hows about now, baby, come out with me and she said...
CHORUS
I would if I could but I don't think I should
I can't, well I can, but I shan't, It's not good man
Olga... I cannot
I'm sorry that I ever ran,
She said, "Don't be dafted, ahh Olga man"
I want to see you don't get me wrong
I'll contact you soon, It won't be long....
but at the moment... I cannot
I called Kendra another 50 times on the phone... yes
she agreed to meet me but I should have known... yes
I wound the window down, in the Rolls Royce
I said "jump in the back" and then I heard a voice
start to say... start to saayyy... start to saaayyyyyy
CHORUS
I'm going to Laurette, for my holiday in Spain
but when I get back, I still cannot begin, so
CHORUS
I talked it over with me mum and me dad
but even me sister and the dog thinks you're mad
so Olga... Olga.... Ah, Olga... I cannot
Rant n' rave, don't give a toss, show the snobs next who's boss
Turn the volume to size ten, they 'll never speak to you again
Sod the Sod the Sod the
Sod the Sod the Sod the
CHORUS:
Sod the neighbours, we're not proud,
turn it up loud, turn it up loud
Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in,
drive "em mad with the bleedin' din
Party all night, don't care less,
show them that you mean business
Scream, cause turmoil & get yer neighbours blood to boil!
Sod the neighbours...(guitar bit)
Sod the neighbours...
Friday night is bath night this is what they say
We are gonna dig the groove, we've waited all day
We wear trendy trousers with belts a mile too long
We are gonna catch the bus into the town
We are boogie on down...
CHORUS:
Dig that groove ba-a-by (repeat)
Dig dig dig dig digga that groove baby.
There they are again covered in Old Spice
They think they will get the girls cause
they smell nice,
They all call me riff raff
'Coz I wear a Crombie
I couldn't stand it being just like them
they all look like puffs not men
CHORUS
See that trendy there she used to be a punk
Now she's off to the disco to listen to junk
Her boyfriend was a skinhead
He used to shout Oi! Oi!
Play that funky music that's what they say now
Come with me and I'll show you how...
CHORUS
When I met you, I thought how sweet,
My lonely life would now be complete
If only I knew, have I no brain?
You're a two faced tramp, driving me insane.
CHORUS:
Dearest darling, I leave this note for you
A love letter with sincerity
Dearest darling, I leave this note for you
Get out o'my life, get out o'my life
Coz I...loathe you
You smiled at me, she smiled at him
My heart melted, his heart melted
This was the real thing, this was the real thing
I'm besotted, he's besotted
What a nincompoop, you're the devil in a frock
I'm a naive nugget, and you made me a laughing stock
CHORUS
GUITAR TIME/CHORUS.
Billy's confused he's been abused,
Billy's bemused with Barbara,
she went with Billy but he's so silly
she's finished with him now.
All the wedding plans have gone down the drain
will Billy ever see Babs again?
CHORUS:
He's a silly Billy,
why can't Billy not see?
that Babs is just a slag she's a dirty bag
she just wants his willy
but poor Billy can't see
that she's a trollop & he's a silly Billy
Babs is back she's got the knack
knows how to wrap him round her finger
her little finger
a kiss and a cuddle now Billy's in a muddle
coz Babs has gone again
Now what's gonna happen to the honeymoon?
Babs has gone & Billy's been a goon.
CHORUS
Too much nosh & too much booze
He spent all night in the bog with the blues
An aching head, intoxicated
He didn't even know he was constipated
he forced & he frowned, he pushed & he stained
But on the toilet seat he remained
He let out a shout as he passed out
& his gut was rearranged
No walks in the park, no drinks, no grub
He can't embark on a trip to the pub
He sits in the dark, and says don't trouble me
COUNTERPOINT CHORUS:
No one sees he's a ruptured man
He can't sneeze like you normally can
They're all mean, they're all riff raff
He turns green when they make him laugh
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie...
He had a hernia
He can't stand up, her can't lie flat
The torment in his tummy preventing that
He can't sit down, can't go anywhere
The devil in his belly proving too much to bear
He can't go out & he can't stay in
Oh what's it all about? He just can't win
No chance of a bath or to see the lavatory for him
Ernie had a...(guitar bit)
Ernie never smiles & he dare not grin
An aggravating abdomen wearing him thin
Ernie had a hernia but he did not give in
Ernia had a...
He had a hernia
You can guess whatlife for Dougy
is like, he wakes up in the street,
No home, no bed, he says he's lucky,
That he can smile and be happy...
CHORUS:
Dougy, Dougy, Giro,
Dougy, Dougy, Giro.
People say that he's not worthy
of clothes, that shows that they don't care,
But he does not let this get him down,
That is how Dougy stays alive...
CHORUS
Dougy's inside a bus shelter,
It's raining and a sight to see,
Dougy smiles he's seen a rainbow,
Every.. where's bright, and so is he...
CHORUS
The grub was vile, we couldn't crack a smile
We paid twenty smackers just to sail up the Nile
It cos ten quid..
To get stuck inside a pppppyramid.
I'd rather be in Hawaii, cleethorpes or southend
You won't catch us on the Egypt bus again again again.
CHORUS:
The... Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
They do not care on Egypt air
Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
In CAI I I I RO
The Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
You will get ripped off in Egypt oh!
The hotel room filled us with gloom
We should o' spent the night in a mummy's tomb
A camel ride...
Another ten smackers and a numb backside.
I'd rather be...
CHORUS...(guitar bit)
CHORUS
Every night I know that she goes to Finos,
and every night I know that she see's him
Every night she holds him tight at Finos
and everynight it's alright for him...
CHORUS:
and she goes... La la la la la la la to Finos
yes she goes... la la la la la la la with him,
and she goes... La la la la la la la to Finos
yes she goes... la la la la la la la...
Every night I try to get into Finos
and every night they just won't let me in,
and everynight I watch him meet her at Finos
and every night it's alright for him...
CHORUS
One of these nights I'm gonna get into Finos
and one of this nights I'm gonna make her see me,
and every night I'm gonna get into Finos
and everynight will be alright for me...
CHORUS
There's a little bear on the loose
* he's a lot of fun
children everywhere are gonna love him a lot
he's their #1
* told them about the things that he's done
and he's going to share all of his music with them
CHORUS
Rupert, Rupert the Bear
everybody say his name
Rupert, Rupert the Bear
everybody come and join
in all of his games
CHORUS:
Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee,
Things were looking gloomy and Glenda she was sad,
Kevin had been out with Carol Sands,
But Glenda she though surely,
It can't be that bad, if I had a baby,
CHORUS
Glenda went round to the doctors the next day,
You can't have a baby, that's what he said,
Glenda did not give up she's got this book to read,
Of how to have a test tube baby....
CHORUS
Glenda's Dad had just died and she was unhappy,
If only she could have a baby,
So to the disapproval of Kevin and his mam,
She signed up for a baby...
CHORUS
Harry's hands are hands of mystery
Connected to all calamities
Harry's hands are hands of mystery
They're accused of all burgiaries
Harry's hands ain't what they used to be
Harry's hands can't take anymore
Harry's hands are hands of honesty
It's a tragedy
CHORUS:
And nobody understands,that Harry's
handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused
They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell
And put the blame, they put the blame on...
Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo
Harry's hands ain't what they were before
The coppers call Harry a criminal
Honest Harry, he never broke the law
It's a tragedy
CHORUS
Judge:"Harold Hands, you are an habitual criminal,
I therefore sentence you to 125 years imprisonment"
CHORUS...(Guitar bit)
Harry's hands oo oo
My name is Bond! James Bond.
James Bond lives down our street
I've seen him he catches the 32 bus
James Bond lives down our street
sometimes he sits on the back seat with us
he's got a gun strapped to his chest
you can't shoot him in a bullet proof vest
a clever lad but can be a pest sometime
CHORUS:
0.0.7. James Bond lives down our street
Jimmy's a spy but both you and I know
Sean Connery or Roger Moore, that I'm not quite sure
But what I know is James Bond...
lives down our street
James Bond lives down our street
sometimes he gets a helicopter to work
James Bond lives down our street
me dad's oldfashioned and he says he's a jerk
He's always chasing a heavy mob
he should go out and get a proper job
he should go out and get a proper job sometime
CHORUS
Down our street there lives a spy
says he works for M.I. 5
he's always a star when you're having a party
says he went to school with Russel Harty
he's a real smarty
he is a real smarty.
My hair is Blonde! dyed blonde!
To Bombay a travelling circus came, they brought an
inteligent elephant and Nellie was her name
One dark night she slipped her iron chain
and off she ran to Hindustan
ans was never seen again.. oooooo
Nellie the elephant pack her trunk and said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump.
New Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and trundled off to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump.
..The head of the herd was calling far far away
They met one night in the silver light on the road to Mandalay...
Night by night she danced to the circus band
When Nelli was leading the big parade she looked so proud and grand
No more tricks for Nellie to perform
They taught her how to take a bow and she took the crowd by storm..
oooooooooooo
I was getting dressed late one night
along came a spider and I got a fright
oh I could not squash it flat
No matter how I tried,
And when it looked me in the eye
I ran away to hide...
I put on me Doctor Martin shoes
A battle with the spider that I wasn't gonna loose
A kick from the left a kick from the right
I was on the floor but I was alright
It was gonna be a long long night
CHORUS:
Spiders in the dressing room
Spiders everywhere
Spider in the dressing room beware
(repeat twice)
Things were getting hot and I had to take a chance
The spider got impatient
Started crawling up me pants
I shook it off me legthump it hit the ground
Everything was silent so I didn't make a sound
I crossed the room as happy as can be
I had killed the spider now it couldn't bother me
But with me arm on the light
He was there ready for a fight
It was gonna be a long long night.
CHORUS
It was getting late and the spider wasn't dead
An audience had gathered round
And I was going red
I put a jam jar on the floor
the spider crawled inside it
I screwed the lid back on the top
And threw the jar outside
At a party late that night
Everything was bright and gay
We played all our pop records and danced the night away,
Early in the morning came a knocking at the door
I opened it slowly guess what I saw
It was gonna be a long long night...
CHORUS
Ran over by a bus up the high street
Dougy only feels a tickle in his feet
the driver shouts Oi! are you alright
but Dougy's on his way
Dougy then has a little mishap
when a geezer comes along and gives him a slap,
Dougy said it's wise that you apologize
or else you'll face D D D Dougy
CHORUS:
Beware, beware, beware, beware,
never never mess with Dougy Bell
beware beware beware beware
never never mess with him
D you, d you, d you, do you wanna be like Dougy
or d you, d you, d you, d you wanna be like me
I wanna wanna wanna be like Dougy.
Dougy's getting sick of burglaries
he's changed all the locks
and he's bought new keys
he's gonna get the robber no matter what it takes
he's gonna die
Dougy sits waiting with a hammer on his bed
some dirty rougues gonna get a sore head
fifteen vilains or maybe even more
ran when they saw D D D Dougy
CHORUS
Oh Dougy's in the backroom playing pool,
He's lost five quid but he keeps his cool,
dougy is a winner, he'll not be beat,
So the game goes on.
Dougy!
Half an hour later when the poolroom's in a wreck
the opposition tries to stick something down his neck,
He began the cry cause he was gonna die
Cause he fooled whith da da da da dougy.
CHORUS
I felt like a snack in the middle of the night
I crept down stairs for a nibble and a bite, ooee ooee
A crash beyond the kitchen door
Told me that it was back for more, ooee ooee
You might o' guessed, I am possessed
I really must insist
May I suggest invest in an exorcist.
CHORUS:
Help me, oo ee
oo ee, believe me
geist ooo ooo poltergeist ooo ooo
where's he?...
in the pantry.
I went goose pimplyfied
No where to run, no where to hide, for me
I was sceptical before
But a pantry poltergeist I saw here to stay.
CHORUS: Guitar time/You might o' guessed...
CHORUS & In the pantry...Poltergeist...
END
I don't need a doctor, I don't need a drugstore
I don't need an injection, I need to put the telly on.
Got me in a cold sweat, I don't need no cigarette
Sh sh sh shakin" like a jelly fish, I need a satellite dish
There's no doubt that I miss nowt, a TV I can't do without
Anything you get on yer television set I'll watch it...
CHORUS:
I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I'm a telly, I'm a telly, telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I like to keep a step ahead, a TV in the garden shed
& with a telly in the bog, I never miss the epilogue
Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party
Celebrity squares, blind date, who cares, I'll watch it...
I'm a telly...(guitar bit)
It's no surprise I've got square eyes, anyone could predict
I'm TV mad, I'm a telly addict!
I'm a man in great pain, the box is on the blink again
I don't need no morphine, I need a television screen
Documentaries, there's no degrees, I'll even watch a film
if it's
in Chinese
A speech from the Queen, though I'm not very keen. I'll
watch it...
I'm a telly...
Coz I'm addicted
Steve is tender Steve is sweet
she'll never let him go
Steven made her life complete
That's why I hate him so
Would she ever really understand
I came to Durham all the way from Sunderland,
when I got there I could not believe
she'd gone with that trendy creep called Steve
How could she forsake me and see this puff,
is it coz of me she's had enough
everytime I rang she was not there
I'm sorry but she's out, she's out with Steve again somewhere!
CHORUS:
She's in love with Steven, Steven
gonna get even, gonna get Steven,
then she won't love Steven, Steven
gonna get eve, gonna get Steve.
Are she and Steve really in love like she says they are
or is it just because Steven's dad lends him the car
or is it coz I'm ugly and Steven's not
or does he have something that I haven't got
CHORUS
I'm gonna make him black & blue
I'm gonna kick his head in
he won't know what to do
CHORUS
Cloughy's lads are full o' gloom, coz Cloughy's in the changin' room
Why can't he nick off & leave them be?
He screams & yells & just because, Cloughy knows that he's
the boss
Cloughy's rough & tough Cloughy's barmy
Cloughy's in a huff & tense, Cloughy's teeth begin to clench
A Cloughy fan asks for his autograph... "Can yer sign this Brian?"
He nuts him first & smacks him next, nobody makes Cloughy vexed
Cloughy is the chief Cloughy's the Gaffa
Cloughy is a football hooligan, now Cloughy's only at his prime
with his fist in yer nose when the referee blows full time
CHORUS:
Brian Brian kicks & slaps & he shouts oi!
Brian Brian Cloughy is a bootboy
The judge tells Cloughy to keep calm, he's up for Grevous Bodily Harm
Cloughy stands and begins to YELL
Cloughy must have a screw loose coz Cloughy says he's gonna cruc..
ify the cops when he gets out the cell
CLOUGHY IS A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN...(guitar bit)
CLOUGHY IS A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN...(CHORUS)
He kicks & slaps, he thumps & cracks,
he nuts & smacks and shouts Oi!
Was it something that I spilt on my new continental quilt or what?
Could it have been a bad dream that creptin bed & made me scream
or what?
What attracted such a beast, why did it want to make a feast of me?..
CHORUS:
Bug bug a bug a bed bug
A bug a bug a bug a bug bugger than a bumble bee
Bug bug a bug a bed bug
A bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug bit me!
In a night of misery.
Was it coz the chocolate sweets I ate last night between the sheets
or what?
What could it be that made me frown, the biscuit crumbs on my night
gown or what?
A nit in neen of nourishment, it got inside the bed & went for
me.
CHORUS... (guitar bit)
Was it coz I was dirty that it took a fancy to me or what?
I jumped up sweating with fright, oh will it take another bite or what?
I felt the fangs rip thru my vest, the mattress monster was digesting
me!
CHORUS