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I don't need a doctor, I don't need a drugstore
I don't need an injection, I need to put the telly on.
Got me in a cold sweat, I don't need no cigarette
Sh sh sh shakin" like a jelly fish, I need a satellite dish
There's no doubt that I miss nowt, a TV I can't do without
Anything you get on yer television set I'll watch it...
CHORUS:
I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I'm a telly, I'm a telly, telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I like to keep a step ahead, a TV in the garden shed
& with a telly in the bog, I never miss the epilogue
Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party
Celebrity squares, blind date, who cares, I'll watch it...
I'm a telly...(guitar bit)
It's no surprise I've got square eyes, anyone could predict
I'm TV mad, I'm a telly addict!
I'm a man in great pain, the box is on the blink again
I don't need no morphine, I need a television screen
Documentaries, there's no degrees, I'll even watch a film
if it's
in Chinese
A speech from the Queen, though I'm not very keen. I'll
watch it...
I'm a telly...
Coz I'm addicted
Terry is a recluse, he's a misfit
Terry never goes out, he's a hermit
A lonely lonely dude
Terry won't answer the phone or the door
& we don't see Terry no more
No-one can contact Terry anymore
A life of solitude
CHORUS:
Hello.... this is Terry talking
Terry talking, talking all alone
Hello... this is Terry Talking
on the answer phone... Terry's not at home
Terry is a plonker, Terry is a nut
Locked in the house with the curtains shut
No-one can contact Terry...
Hello... (guitar bit)
Hello...
Too much nosh & too much booze
He spent all night in the bog with the blues
An aching head, intoxicated
He didn't even know he was constipated
he forced & he frowned, he pushed & he stained
But on the toilet seat he remained
He let out a shout as he passed out
& his gut was rearranged
No walks in the park, no drinks, no grub
He can't embark on a trip to the pub
He sits in the dark, and says don't trouble me
COUNTERPIONT CHORUS:
No one sees he's a ruptured man
He can't sneeze like you normally can
They're all mean, they're all riff raff
He turns green when they make him laugh
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie...
He had a hernia
He can't stand up, her can't lie flat
The torment in his tummy preventing that
He can't sit down, can't go anywhere
The devil in his belly proving too much to bear
He can't go out & he can't stay in
Oh what's it all about? He just can't win
No chance of a bath or to see the lavatory for him
Ernie had a...(guitar bit)
Ernie never smiles & he dare not grin
An aggravating abdomen wearing him thin
Ernie had a hernia but he did not give in
Ernia had a...
He had a hernia
I couldn't wait for my blind date, I did not sleep that night
could I catch th perfect match, would she be Mrs Right!?
A quiet lass so middle class, dignified, meek & mild?
I faced the wrath of a Psychopath & a woman that went wild
Before too long it all went wrong, she wern't the one for me
But I was trapped when I got slapped by a raving loony
She got mean, she caused a scene, I said "You're not my type"
But I gave in, how could I win? As she threw another swipe...ferocoiusly
CHORUS:
My wife's a psychopath. Throws a fit then she hides in the bathroom
My wife's a psychopath.Aooeee
My wife's a psychopath.Always on the warpath
After me, mentally deranged!
I'm black & blue, I said "We're through" I'm cuts n'scrapes n'scars
She clenched her fist, I ducked, she missed, so I kicked her up the
arse!
She yelled & squealed as I revealed I had learnt some self defence
I smashed her face in, just incase, coz I hate violence...it's not
for me
My wife's an psychopath...(guitar bit)
Psycho...Psycho...she's a bleedin' Psycho...
Fade
Rant n' rave, don't give a toss, show the snobs next who's boss
Turn the volume to size ten, they 'll never speak to you again
Sod the Sod the Sod the
Sod the Sod the Sod the
CHORUS:
Sod the neighbours, we're not proud,
turn it up loud, turn it up loud
Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in,
drive "em mad with the bleedin' din
Party all night, don't care less,
show them that you mean business
Scream, cause turmoil & get yer neighbours blood to boil!
Sod the neighbours...(guitar bit)
Sod the neighbours...
Nobby was a soldier, a life in the Army
Margarets back home alone waiting suspiciously
She can't hide the misery, the upset & despair
When she found out Nobby had been having it off elsewhere
There's Eric & there's Robby & there's Derrick & there's
Bobby
They gave her the elbow
There's Harry & there's Willy & there's Barry & there's
Billy also
Whose that then?
CHORUS:
Woe is me, I'm melancholy Margaret, I fret coz they leave me
God help me I'm melancholy. Snurree?!
Tommy was a driver he worked on the buses
"I've got some overtime to do" this is what he says
But Margaret wasn't having it, she searched high & low
But Tommy's gone he's neckin' on in the back of the bus depot
There's Ronnie & there's Kenny & there's Donny & there's
Denny
they gave her the elbow.
There's Ronnie & there's Timmy & there's Micky & there's
Jimmy also
Whose that then?
Woe is me...(guitar bit)
Woe is me...
Out in the courtyard, cold & it's so hard
Now Betty's crying, she wants to die
Coz it's over, die, but she...
Knows that her grieving, it's not achieving
What Bet's believing, he will return
CHORUS:
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Away oo oo oo gone away oo oo ooo
Down in The Rovers, Bet can't get over
What he said to her, he will return
Alecs gone...
He's gone, done a bunk (guitar bit)
Betty's still dreaming, inside she's screaming
Out for the day that he will return
Alecs gone...
Jimmy lives his life for charity
Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E.
Everybody depends on Jimmy
Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off
Jimmy reckons they've all enough
If they want Jim it's tough
CHORUS:
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville
Woooooo
Everybody thinks yer brill
Think yer brill
But Jim'll Fix It's to be done
Woooooo
Then that bleedin' Great North Run
The Great North Run
No it's never too much fun for James
Jimmy does get up at 4:30
But Jimmy does not get time for breaky
He's not complaining, Jimmy's training
Somebody's sponsoring Jim again
So Jimmy bites his tongue & counts to ten
"Oh stuff this" Jimmy snarles
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville...
For James there's no time off, Jimmy's in deep
For James there ain't no sleep
(guitar bit)
When you're...
Jimmy, Jimmy Saville oo oo Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville
Howza 'bout that then guys & gals
I was feeling blue, she made me feel guilty
When I took that trip to Deutscheland, Germany
She said I am a man, keep out of the Reeperbahn, mind you
Nick off is what I said, I'll please myself instead
& you can drop down dead, to Hamburg I am headed
I don't want no debates, now I'm off with me mates.
Toodle oo
I said stuff you!
CHORUS:
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed...
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said "Don't go there man"
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn
I told her to trust me, I agree in honesty
Believe me she did not, she knew I was a sex pot
I did not feel at ease when I left the strip-tease,
I screamed as she seized me!
Reeperbahn...(guitar bit)
It was just a laugh, I said don't be so strict
I did not tell her what went on up the red light district
You're all the same you men, you better say auf wiedersehen
Coz you won't be comin" here again!
Reeperbahn...
Caught up the Ree...
perbahn.
Brighten up you home, it said in the advert
All your decorating done by an expert
How the hell was I to know he's such a dirty sod
I wanted subtle shades, maybe something duller
There's paint on the chairs & the dogs a different colour
I'm the only bloke I know that does have a day-glo scullery...
CHORUS:
Dez the demon...never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee
Dez the demon...never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me
Dez the demon decorator
He split a tin o'gloss coz he's a clumsy swine
"I'll paint the carpet pink, I've got no turpentine"
Pink footprints everywhere reminding me
The neighbours came for tea & they began to frown
The wallpaper was cock-eyed, flowers upside down
What the flippen 'ecks that decorating clown done now...
Dez the demon...(guitar bit)
Dez the demons deed is done, my house is an eye-sore
Bumps & Lumps in the wallpaper, paint splashed on the floor
I won't be calling Dez the demon, won't be calling Dez the demon
I won't be calling Dez the demon decorator anymore...
Dez the demon...
Dez the demon decorator, tor